games

so why is it that life seems to be made of up all these games? it has become more apparent in my twenties that people have a very difficult time just saying what it is that you want in life. we are more inclined to think that people should just automatically know what it is that we want but that is not the case. you can love someone with all that is within you but if that person does not know then you are the only person to blame if the love is not reciprocated. now if they person that you love knows how deeply you love is and it is not reciprocated then you need to question if this is something that you want to continue to pursue. one of my dear friends said “when it is not fun anymore then you will stop” i think that is true but is hard to let hope die when you find so much joy in someone.

love

what defines love? that has been the question that has been on my mind for the past few weeks. i think when you love someone you accept them for exactly who they are. i accept their faults, weakness and strengths unconditionally. when i love someone i think that i always will love them. once someone makes it to your heart you will always hold a place for them there. the trick question is when do you let someone go that you love? is there a point that you stop hoping for a different outcome than what is presented currently? i think it is hard to know when to say when, especially when you love someone.

h-town

i will try to express how happy i am to be back in houston. i was out of state for almost 10 years and i think that the timing of my move back was perfect. i did not realize how much i missed the things that i grew accustom to in my childhood. i can't tell you if it is being able to have whatever tex-mex i want any time of the day or it could be the availability of a sonic slush but i am so happy to be back home. i personally think that it is the blue bell ice cream that has brought some of the excitement back. now that life has finally settled down from the move i can honestly say that it was one of the best decisions that i have made. i still have a long way to go to reach my personal goals but i am so excited to be on the journey. i realize now that every event in my life has brought me here. i know that there is nothing that i would change about my life at all because you never know what the outcome would be if one event was different in your life. now on a side note. if anyone has an extra few million dollars that they just need to get rid of i would be more than willing to take it off your hands. :)

anger is a dangerous thing.

it is so easy to let anger take over. i try at times not the be angry but it is difficult. there are so many things that are beyond my control. i know that the only person that i can control is myself. today was a lovely day spent with devon and michael. we played board games. i took two naps. i was a jungle gym. yet the day is winding down and i find myself bitter about things that i have no control over. i don't want to be angry about jamin but there is a huge amount of resentment that has overwhelmed me. i am unsure how to have a relationship that is not bitter by his past actions. i am unsure if i am just supposed to let it all go and forgive his cowardly actions. i really think that that would be in devon's best interest but his actions have created a deep gorge in my spirit. i really don't think that he realizing how much he did has really hurt me. i have more than accepted the fact that life is uncertain and i truly believe that the best things that life brings are almost always unexpected. i thought that i was heading down one road in life but a new one presented itself. i was not prepared. i was so scared. amiss all the uncertainty i was excited. i was excited and scared about the prospect of being a mother. i was excited that i was going to have someone to share all my love that i have with. i did not expect that jamin would get married but i did believe that i am being blessed with a child from someone who was very dear to be. i venture to say at times that i thought i loved. jamin was one of the very few people that i felt comfortable enough to be me with. i was excited to share the joy of a child with someone who understood me. then i tell him and he leaves. it crushed me. it hurts so deeply that the thought of a child with me would force someone to run thousands of miles away. it made me wonder if i was just a terrible unlovable person that he had to move across the country. i don't think actually i know that i would not have ever considered the thought of placing devon for adoption had jamin not ran away. i did not want to marry him but i just wanted devon to a set of parents. i knew that he deserved all the love in the world. i felt broken and very unloved. how can i love someone when i did not even love myself? now 5 years later i thought that i was strong enough to battle the demons that he helped to feed but it is much harder than i thought. i am just not positive how to let go of the hurt and anger that he brought into my life. i want to believe that i have grown over the past 5 years but i question my growth right now. what have i learned over my life time? why is it so hard to break the cycle? is it really so hard in life to be honest with people and always treat them how you would like to be treated? i guess i am that naive to believe that life would be good if people just cared more about everyone else than they do about themselves. had jamin not ran I would not have felt so broken for so long. it is just sad how easily i am hurt by other people’s actions. i want to have a tougher skin but i don’t want to lose my ability to just see the positive that people have to offer. i think that a big part of me would rather have the chance to experience the most joyous of joys even if it means that i have to endure the lowest of lows.

the first of many

i am new to the world of blogging but figure that it will be basically a journal that i let everyone read. i don't know if it is just i am fed up with games or if i just have this desire to clean myself of all the layers. i just need a place that i feel i can be honest. it took me years to get to this point. it is really such a journey finding your true self. once you know that you are on the path towards your purpose it is truly refreshing. please note i do not follow proper technical writing rules. i will write what i feel and i know that i am not always going to have it correct. so here are the few things that i know about myself at this point in my life. i am tough, angry, sad, gentle, caring, giving, and most of all i am hopeful. i still believe in the possibilities of the world. i believe in the possibilities of people. i know that many would call me naive and they probably have. i know that there have been many people who have taken advantage of me. i know that i do not always make the best decisions in my life because i put other before me many times. i also know that i have put me at the forefront when it really mattered. i am excited on the journey that i have recently started with my move to texas i know that there are going to be many exciting opportunities for growth to come and i am excited that i am going to be journaling it along the way. we all know how well i remember stuff. :)