random events

it has been too long since i actually wrote. for me everything seems to make more sense when i write. i am too tired to write though.

we are happy people......

devon was having a moment today because i told him that he could invite his friends over that live in our building. his friends were not home and he came back to the house crying because he could not play. i tried to tell him that he needs to not be upset about his friends and find something to do that makes him happy. he was not listening and all i could think to tell him is that he is a happy person and needs to find something to be happy about. i wish that it was that easy. i mean my life is easy or should i say happy. it is very easy to get caught up in negativity but it is just as easy to get caught up in the positive. i was a little down today and it has been hard for me to shake it. i don't understand the path at times but i really do try and have a zen like attitude. i know that there is a purpose to everything and while i may not understand a situation it does not mean that it should not be. for me it really has been a time that i am seeking understanding but the answers have not come. i want to believe that a guy that i met is being honest about his life being too busy right now but the part of me that does not trust finds it hard to believe. i want to believe that although one of my best friends is going to remain a fixture in my life but it seems that we are going through phase that is going to test and hopefully strengthen our friendship. then there i was lucky enough to meet someone that i seemed to hit it off but the twist to it is that they were leaving in four days to move back home. i just don't understand. i really just hope that i am able to meet people who are as genuine and honest as i am.

im trying not to cry but it is not working too well

today has been one of those days. i have so much on my mind and it feels like no one is actually listening but at the same i can't talk about it all when it is hard enough to even type it. i wear my heart on my sleeve which may not be the right thing at times. it is not that i am weak i guess i just kept it bottled up any more. i was going to go and get two new tattoos today but how the week as been going today was yet another one of those days that it all seemed to fall apart. the tattoos are going to be the words hope and faith which are the two things that i never need to lose sight of. if i don't forget i know that i will always be on the right path. there is a hollow feeling that i have not been able to shake lately and today’s events have just added to it. i am happy but i feel very alone. it really doesn’t make sense because i have an amazing family. i have kelli, jason, and crystal but it just feels like i am alone and misunderstood. i wonder how many people see the real me. do they see my actions as i intended them to look or do they misinterpret them? i think that i am done trying to be nice. i think that it is easier to have a wall put up and just let it go. i think i am going to stop trying for a while. i feel like the phone needs to be shut off and live in solitude for a while.

when do you let go?

first i want to mention that i just learned how to use predictive text on your phone and it is pretty great.thank you jason.you know that i love you and you were right.so when do we let go and stop trying?for me that has been the million dollar question lately.i met someone that peaked my interest like few have but i just dont know.he is smart, seems to have a sense of humor that i would enjoy, goal oriented, simular values, just so many qualities that you just cant overlook but the timing just is off.its like i dont mind putting myself out there if there is real interest otherwise i feel like a pathetic fool just because im being me.

there is always a moment of clarity.

so i guess there is always a moment that you realize you have to walk away. there should always be a base line level of respect toward each other but if there is not that level then you have to walk away. its never really easy. if you don't walk away you fall into something that you not really what you want. respect for me is one of those non-negotiable. i don't ask to always be number one, in fact i don't feel bad being number two at times. i love to assist in helping someone else shine. i find joy in other people's success'. the thing for me though is if someone can not even meet me a basic level of respect then i walk. i don't hold grudges. i'm too happy to hold grudges. i just want to keep people who are going to really be down for me in my life. if i know that someone is really down for me then they have a life partner. i will be in their corner at all times to help them reach their goals. i am true and understanding and forgiving and for the lucky people that i let into my world then you have my unconditional love and respect.

the breaking point

you know i always wonder what is the defining moment of a relationship or situation? i think that all relationships have a moment that sets the tone of a persons attitude to the entire relationship. if you are lucky you will have a chance to have a relationship with someone who challenges you; someone who makes you grow. i think relationships can be equally scary and exhilarating. to know that your feelings for a person really do exists is great but to build on to that and create a life together is the greatest joy of all. sometimes though you have to let someone go because the are not ready for it all. it is too intense maybe the simplicity of a true partnership makes it seems so complicated. i am not sure though if a breaking point exists when you love unconditionally.

timing

is life just about timing? i think about timing all of the time. you know like the what if i had....moved to texas sooner would everything be the same? would i still be on the path that i am on now or would it be completely different? or even something as simple as when you losing your keys before you have to leave the house. how did that one event alter the entire course of your existence? what about when you find someone that has touched you so deeply that no one but you understands but the timing just seems wrong. what is hard is to find that person and the logical thing is to walk away because the timing is off or it is not the right person for you or one of the many reason that you can think of but no of those reasons matter because all that matters is how you feel about that person. it is one of the most bittersweet feelings in the world to love but to not have it returned. how lucky you are to know the feeling and how sad it is not to have it reciprocated.

its never that simple

so how do you know when you are being played for a fool and when someone is genuine? i think that sometimes it is not so easy to make that determination. i have to wonder if it is really that hard in life to know when someone is being real. is it just that you have to believe and you have to be hopeful? when though does that turn from hope to being naive? for me i think that i am a hopeless optimist. i would rather look at a person and see them for what they can do than what they have done in the past. i don't believe that we are martyrs to our past. i think that you must grow but during the process of growing you should try and always be true to yourself.

how blessed i am

i have so much to be grateful for in my life. i have an amazing son, a great family, and wonderful friends. the only thing that i am missing is someone special that i can share it all with. i never pictured myself as a person that would want the fairy tale but i guess i never really believed in the fairy tale before. my grandmother told me to write down what i would want in the special someone so here goes. i have to have someone who makes me laugh. there has to be a great chemistry between us. i want someone who is able to be honest with me. i want someone who can know the word that i am trying to say but can't think of it. i want someone who wants a few more kids. i want to find someone who can be excited about my dreams the same as i can be about his. i want someone who is strong but not ashamed to show that he is also weak at times. i want someone who can allow me to carry the load at times without it causing a fight. i want someone who is passionate. i don't want someone who backs down at a challenge. i basically want a partner that will love me for me. they will highlight my bright spots and overlook my faults. i want someone who want to build a life together. most of all i want someone who want to love me as much as i want to love them.

on the edge of greatness...

do you ever wonder about the moment in your life that you are standing on the cliff and you see everything crystal clear. for some it takes them time to find their purpose and other know it sooner. once though we know it alters your entire existence.

moments

life is just made of these moments. it is so easy to lose sight of these moments though. your life is not made up of these events it is made up of small moments. if we are one of the lucky ones we will know all of the greatest joys but i think because of this you will receive the lowest of lows. to be able to have some moments that define perfection then the days that fall short of just are not as hard.

love

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours; they belong only to themselves. "Chinese proverb" articulates a powerful truth about the importance of letting go. It had a profound effect on me when I first heard it, and it has guided me in both my private and professional life ever since. I have often quoted it as an excellent model for parenthood, which is a gradual, wonderful - and sometimes painful - process of letting go. It begins with the cutting of the umbilical cord and ends when you hand over the keys of your car. They will fly the nest, but if you freely and willingly let them go then they will always come back. When you really love someone, you know true pure love that is so rare. It is so delicate that if you do not handle with the gentles touch it will not make it. To be blessed with even small moments of this; I will carry this with me always.

games

so why is it that life seems to be made of up all these games? it has become more apparent in my twenties that people have a very difficult time just saying what it is that you want in life. we are more inclined to think that people should just automatically know what it is that we want but that is not the case. you can love someone with all that is within you but if that person does not know then you are the only person to blame if the love is not reciprocated. now if they person that you love knows how deeply you love is and it is not reciprocated then you need to question if this is something that you want to continue to pursue. one of my dear friends said “when it is not fun anymore then you will stop” i think that is true but is hard to let hope die when you find so much joy in someone.

love

what defines love? that has been the question that has been on my mind for the past few weeks. i think when you love someone you accept them for exactly who they are. i accept their faults, weakness and strengths unconditionally. when i love someone i think that i always will love them. once someone makes it to your heart you will always hold a place for them there. the trick question is when do you let someone go that you love? is there a point that you stop hoping for a different outcome than what is presented currently? i think it is hard to know when to say when, especially when you love someone.

h-town

i will try to express how happy i am to be back in houston. i was out of state for almost 10 years and i think that the timing of my move back was perfect. i did not realize how much i missed the things that i grew accustom to in my childhood. i can't tell you if it is being able to have whatever tex-mex i want any time of the day or it could be the availability of a sonic slush but i am so happy to be back home. i personally think that it is the blue bell ice cream that has brought some of the excitement back. now that life has finally settled down from the move i can honestly say that it was one of the best decisions that i have made. i still have a long way to go to reach my personal goals but i am so excited to be on the journey. i realize now that every event in my life has brought me here. i know that there is nothing that i would change about my life at all because you never know what the outcome would be if one event was different in your life. now on a side note. if anyone has an extra few million dollars that they just need to get rid of i would be more than willing to take it off your hands. :)

anger is a dangerous thing.

it is so easy to let anger take over. i try at times not the be angry but it is difficult. there are so many things that are beyond my control. i know that the only person that i can control is myself. today was a lovely day spent with devon and michael. we played board games. i took two naps. i was a jungle gym. yet the day is winding down and i find myself bitter about things that i have no control over. i don't want to be angry about jamin but there is a huge amount of resentment that has overwhelmed me. i am unsure how to have a relationship that is not bitter by his past actions. i am unsure if i am just supposed to let it all go and forgive his cowardly actions. i really think that that would be in devon's best interest but his actions have created a deep gorge in my spirit. i really don't think that he realizing how much he did has really hurt me. i have more than accepted the fact that life is uncertain and i truly believe that the best things that life brings are almost always unexpected. i thought that i was heading down one road in life but a new one presented itself. i was not prepared. i was so scared. amiss all the uncertainty i was excited. i was excited and scared about the prospect of being a mother. i was excited that i was going to have someone to share all my love that i have with. i did not expect that jamin would get married but i did believe that i am being blessed with a child from someone who was very dear to be. i venture to say at times that i thought i loved. jamin was one of the very few people that i felt comfortable enough to be me with. i was excited to share the joy of a child with someone who understood me. then i tell him and he leaves. it crushed me. it hurts so deeply that the thought of a child with me would force someone to run thousands of miles away. it made me wonder if i was just a terrible unlovable person that he had to move across the country. i don't think actually i know that i would not have ever considered the thought of placing devon for adoption had jamin not ran away. i did not want to marry him but i just wanted devon to a set of parents. i knew that he deserved all the love in the world. i felt broken and very unloved. how can i love someone when i did not even love myself? now 5 years later i thought that i was strong enough to battle the demons that he helped to feed but it is much harder than i thought. i am just not positive how to let go of the hurt and anger that he brought into my life. i want to believe that i have grown over the past 5 years but i question my growth right now. what have i learned over my life time? why is it so hard to break the cycle? is it really so hard in life to be honest with people and always treat them how you would like to be treated? i guess i am that naive to believe that life would be good if people just cared more about everyone else than they do about themselves. had jamin not ran I would not have felt so broken for so long. it is just sad how easily i am hurt by other people’s actions. i want to have a tougher skin but i don’t want to lose my ability to just see the positive that people have to offer. i think that a big part of me would rather have the chance to experience the most joyous of joys even if it means that i have to endure the lowest of lows.

the first of many

i am new to the world of blogging but figure that it will be basically a journal that i let everyone read. i don't know if it is just i am fed up with games or if i just have this desire to clean myself of all the layers. i just need a place that i feel i can be honest. it took me years to get to this point. it is really such a journey finding your true self. once you know that you are on the path towards your purpose it is truly refreshing. please note i do not follow proper technical writing rules. i will write what i feel and i know that i am not always going to have it correct. so here are the few things that i know about myself at this point in my life. i am tough, angry, sad, gentle, caring, giving, and most of all i am hopeful. i still believe in the possibilities of the world. i believe in the possibilities of people. i know that many would call me naive and they probably have. i know that there have been many people who have taken advantage of me. i know that i do not always make the best decisions in my life because i put other before me many times. i also know that i have put me at the forefront when it really mattered. i am excited on the journey that i have recently started with my move to texas i know that there are going to be many exciting opportunities for growth to come and i am excited that i am going to be journaling it along the way. we all know how well i remember stuff. :)