me just being me.......still believing....just not as hopeful

some of the people that i hold closest to my heart know me. they seem to have an understanding of me that is comforting. i wonder if we are all looking for the same thing? not in the super specific way but the same general things. i guess it would be silly of me to think that we do because everyone is different. we all have the things that make us tick. some people are want the financial security that great wealth brings. i know that it would be a feeling that i have never truly felt but i can imagine. have the chance to travel the world and submerge yourself in all that there is. don't be glutinous about it but enrich your life with all the beauty that there is. then there are the romantics. looking for the love that transcends the realm of reality. there is the love that is so intense that it is not fully understood by most. i wonder if everyone is lucky enough to have the love that can move mountains. i don't believe that everyone gets the chance at the earth shattering but what is most tragic is when you miss out on the chance to have your one great love. your destiny can be right in front of you at times but if you chose not to take the opportunity then it may not be there when you are ready. i think we need to try to live each day with the conviction that this is my life and i am going to make the most of it

random events

it has been too long since i actually wrote. for me everything seems to make more sense when i write. i am too tired to write though.

we are happy people......

devon was having a moment today because i told him that he could invite his friends over that live in our building. his friends were not home and he came back to the house crying because he could not play. i tried to tell him that he needs to not be upset about his friends and find something to do that makes him happy. he was not listening and all i could think to tell him is that he is a happy person and needs to find something to be happy about. i wish that it was that easy. i mean my life is easy or should i say happy. it is very easy to get caught up in negativity but it is just as easy to get caught up in the positive. i was a little down today and it has been hard for me to shake it. i don't understand the path at times but i really do try and have a zen like attitude. i know that there is a purpose to everything and while i may not understand a situation it does not mean that it should not be. for me it really has been a time that i am seeking understanding but the answers have not come. i want to believe that a guy that i met is being honest about his life being too busy right now but the part of me that does not trust finds it hard to believe. i want to believe that although one of my best friends is going to remain a fixture in my life but it seems that we are going through phase that is going to test and hopefully strengthen our friendship. then there i was lucky enough to meet someone that i seemed to hit it off but the twist to it is that they were leaving in four days to move back home. i just don't understand. i really just hope that i am able to meet people who are as genuine and honest as i am.

im trying not to cry but it is not working too well

today has been one of those days. i have so much on my mind and it feels like no one is actually listening but at the same i can't talk about it all when it is hard enough to even type it. i wear my heart on my sleeve which may not be the right thing at times. it is not that i am weak i guess i just kept it bottled up any more. i was going to go and get two new tattoos today but how the week as been going today was yet another one of those days that it all seemed to fall apart. the tattoos are going to be the words hope and faith which are the two things that i never need to lose sight of. if i don't forget i know that i will always be on the right path. there is a hollow feeling that i have not been able to shake lately and today’s events have just added to it. i am happy but i feel very alone. it really doesn’t make sense because i have an amazing family. i have kelli, jason, and crystal but it just feels like i am alone and misunderstood. i wonder how many people see the real me. do they see my actions as i intended them to look or do they misinterpret them? i think that i am done trying to be nice. i think that it is easier to have a wall put up and just let it go. i think i am going to stop trying for a while. i feel like the phone needs to be shut off and live in solitude for a while.

when do you let go?

first i want to mention that i just learned how to use predictive text on your phone and it is pretty great.thank you jason.you know that i love you and you were right.so when do we let go and stop trying?for me that has been the million dollar question lately.i met someone that peaked my interest like few have but i just dont know.he is smart, seems to have a sense of humor that i would enjoy, goal oriented, simular values, just so many qualities that you just cant overlook but the timing just is off.its like i dont mind putting myself out there if there is real interest otherwise i feel like a pathetic fool just because im being me.

there is always a moment of clarity.

so i guess there is always a moment that you realize you have to walk away. there should always be a base line level of respect toward each other but if there is not that level then you have to walk away. its never really easy. if you don't walk away you fall into something that you not really what you want. respect for me is one of those non-negotiable. i don't ask to always be number one, in fact i don't feel bad being number two at times. i love to assist in helping someone else shine. i find joy in other people's success'. the thing for me though is if someone can not even meet me a basic level of respect then i walk. i don't hold grudges. i'm too happy to hold grudges. i just want to keep people who are going to really be down for me in my life. if i know that someone is really down for me then they have a life partner. i will be in their corner at all times to help them reach their goals. i am true and understanding and forgiving and for the lucky people that i let into my world then you have my unconditional love and respect.

the breaking point

you know i always wonder what is the defining moment of a relationship or situation? i think that all relationships have a moment that sets the tone of a persons attitude to the entire relationship. if you are lucky you will have a chance to have a relationship with someone who challenges you; someone who makes you grow. i think relationships can be equally scary and exhilarating. to know that your feelings for a person really do exists is great but to build on to that and create a life together is the greatest joy of all. sometimes though you have to let someone go because the are not ready for it all. it is too intense maybe the simplicity of a true partnership makes it seems so complicated. i am not sure though if a breaking point exists when you love unconditionally.