im trying not to cry but it is not working too well

today has been one of those days. i have so much on my mind and it feels like no one is actually listening but at the same i can't talk about it all when it is hard enough to even type it. i wear my heart on my sleeve which may not be the right thing at times. it is not that i am weak i guess i just kept it bottled up any more. i was going to go and get two new tattoos today but how the week as been going today was yet another one of those days that it all seemed to fall apart. the tattoos are going to be the words hope and faith which are the two things that i never need to lose sight of. if i don't forget i know that i will always be on the right path. there is a hollow feeling that i have not been able to shake lately and today’s events have just added to it. i am happy but i feel very alone. it really doesn’t make sense because i have an amazing family. i have kelli, jason, and crystal but it just feels like i am alone and misunderstood. i wonder how many people see the real me. do they see my actions as i intended them to look or do they misinterpret them? i think that i am done trying to be nice. i think that it is easier to have a wall put up and just let it go. i think i am going to stop trying for a while. i feel like the phone needs to be shut off and live in solitude for a while.

when do you let go?

first i want to mention that i just learned how to use predictive text on your phone and it is pretty great.thank you jason.you know that i love you and you were right.so when do we let go and stop trying?for me that has been the million dollar question lately.i met someone that peaked my interest like few have but i just dont know.he is smart, seems to have a sense of humor that i would enjoy, goal oriented, simular values, just so many qualities that you just cant overlook but the timing just is off.its like i dont mind putting myself out there if there is real interest otherwise i feel like a pathetic fool just because im being me.

there is always a moment of clarity.

so i guess there is always a moment that you realize you have to walk away. there should always be a base line level of respect toward each other but if there is not that level then you have to walk away. its never really easy. if you don't walk away you fall into something that you not really what you want. respect for me is one of those non-negotiable. i don't ask to always be number one, in fact i don't feel bad being number two at times. i love to assist in helping someone else shine. i find joy in other people's success'. the thing for me though is if someone can not even meet me a basic level of respect then i walk. i don't hold grudges. i'm too happy to hold grudges. i just want to keep people who are going to really be down for me in my life. if i know that someone is really down for me then they have a life partner. i will be in their corner at all times to help them reach their goals. i am true and understanding and forgiving and for the lucky people that i let into my world then you have my unconditional love and respect.